By EsquireLife

September 3, 2018

“Bob’s Plumbing, We Lay The Pipe Right…”

Every one wants to run a successful business, but at the same time they think small.  You think small, you will be small and it all starts off with your business name.  I drive around and see all these business and just by looking at their name I know they’ll always be small.  We’re not in the 1940’s anymore where a business owner would use his name as part of their business.  You know what I’m talking about Walgreens or Walmart. Those name are still popular because they ended up being multi-billion dollar companies.  But your company name will not if you think small.  We’re in a modern age where people are on their phones and browse the internet for everything. You say Sweat Shirt and you yawn, but you say Supreme Hoodie, and some people get hard ons.

You want your Company Name to be Unique, but not Stupid

We’re proud to be business owners and we want the world to know that it’s our business.  Remember this, next time you decide to add your name to your business think of this.  If I see person’s name on a business and they show up to do work and I know it’s you on the side of the truck, you’re naturally instinct is to ask for a discount.  The owner is in front of you, face to face and they can make business decisions like discounts.  Your customer will take advantage of you.  I can’t stand when I see you entire last names plastered on the side of your work vehicle.  Who gives a fuck that your last name is, HERNANDEZ and since your dumb ass took up the whole real-estate of your vehicle with your name, there’s no room to put what type of your work your business does.  I have to look for the smallest font in your advertising and discover you’re a Plummer.  Wow that took me a whole 2 minutes.

A Customer has 1.8 seconds to look at you.

If I’m stopped at a traffic light and all I see is ANDERSON’s I automatically put you on a low level.  Because I know have to spend the extra 1.3 seconds trying to look for your service and phone number.  Also, I really don’t give a fuck about your instagram or facebook account.  Unless you’re an entertainment business I can see where that maybe useful.  But if you’re a Plumber, what are you going to show me, rusty pipes on social media.  When you sell a NEED you can’t be overwhelming to your customers, too much information will distract them.  They have to spend a lot of money on a need so make them feel comfortable.  Like I mentioned before Talking is not Selling. (Read my Previous Blog: Talking is Not Selling)

Don’t Let your Marketing Look Like a Ice Cream Truck

Business owners think since they’re spending a lot of money on advertising they need to put every single service they offer on there.  Now your business advertising looks like an Ice Cream Truck instead of a legit business.  You put every single service you do because you’re afraid if your customer doesn’t see everything you do you will lose them.  And please don’t put pictures of your ugly kids on there.  You think because you put your kids on there people are going to feel sorry for you and purchase from you.  But I put on there because I love them, I hear you, but unless those people on the picture are working for you then NO.  I really don’t care about your kids or what your wife looks like, I just want you do my landscaping PEDRO GUTIERREZ GRASS CUTTING.  But Pedro all you do is cut grass, I need someone to prune my award winning roses.  Apparently the wife wanted to make sure everyone he was married with kids, because is guess Pedro was doing other types of landscaping.  See what I mean?

Be Creative in your Name.

I once saw a business where they guy used too many apostrophes in his company name, Lee’s Men’s Clothing.  Let that digest for a minute you will get it. Don’t use your fucking name I don’t care who you are.  “But my name has been carried on from generation to generations.”  Good, now tattoo it on your forehead.  Please don’t use your kids names either, all I hear from business owners how LiL Ambers Car Wash is an dedication to your daughter and unfortunately Lil Amber grew up to be a Stripper.  Also don’t put the city where you live in your business name.  Compton Car Wash, customer are so stupid that when they see your name they will automatically think since they live in another city you don’t service them. Plus, I don’t want them to think they have to go to Compton.  Hey I’m originally from South Gate so don’t even trip.

Truth Hurts, So Stop Being a Little Bitch

I knew a residential glass/mirror installer, not sure if that’s what you call them.  He came to me excited because he was about to open his glass business.   The first thing I asked him was, what is your company name, I almost slapped him.  He looks at me with a smile on his face, after what I told him, his smile was killed by my remark.  He said his company name was Mike’s Glass.  What the fuck, there was no thought into his business name.  I told him “Mike’s Glass” _______ What? It was his first name and the word glass.  Can your hear your fucking self, as soon as Mike did, he knew he fucked up.  What’s sad is that he already got his business license and LLC.

I Don’t like Talking Shit but I Felt like I was,

but at least I was talking shit in front of Mike.  What I asked Mike was, how long have you been doing glass, he said “10 years.”  Ten years is a long time to be doing this.  In the 10 years of working in glass work, think back to your previous jobs, what’s the one things customers always asked you for.  He paused and thought, “My customers are always making sure when I cut glass or mirrors I get a straight edge.” As soon as Mike heard that his smile was even bigger.  The very next day he went to the city to change his DBA to Straight Edge Home Glass.

Put Some Effort in your Name, but don’t go full Dumb Ass

Think about your demographics and think about your services.  If you have a plumbing business don’t be stupid and call it Laying Pipe Plumbers.  It might sound funny but you just killed 95% of your customer base.  I remember seeing this one guy called G-Spot Carpet Cleaning.  I’m not sure if this person was stupid and the thought the G stood for Gross or he was just trying to be perverted.  I think he was trying to be perverted because his logo was a Monkey Holding a Spray bottle while spraying from its’ crotch.

Make sure your Color Scheme Matches Everything

Your consistency has to be clean.  Look at Target, everything is Red and their employees wear Red Shirts.  Look at Best Buy, there colors are Blue and Yellow, and there employees wear blue shirts and khaki pants.  Remember customers are dumb and you don’t want to be dumb like them, if your colors are Purple and Green, they I expect your Shirt to be Purple and pants Green or vice versa.  We get overwhelmed when we start a business and guess what, other sales people take advantage of you when you it comes to your marketing.  I saw one guy one time every fucking day he had a different color shirt with his business logo and guess what none of those colors he wore matched his business.  Your customers wants consistency. He probably got a good deal at the embroidery shop.

Don’t Confuse Your Customers

Also, I know commercial wraps have become more popular throughout the years.  Like I mention before don’t make your business work vehicle look like an Ice Cream truck.  You list all your fucking services on there, your vehicle starts looking like a moving hologram.  List the Following Items: 1. Your Service  2. (1) Phone Number  3. Website  4. Logo.  Notice how I put on there (1) phone number.  Holy shit, I’ve seen companies with 3 – 4 numbers on there advertising.  Who in the fuck do I call (619)555-5555, (760)555-5555. (858)555-5555.  That what happens too many people are running your business or when you have your family working with you.  Everyone one wants a piece of the sale, but guess what, your sales are now inconsistent.  All of them are quoting different prices. If you have that many employees or phone numbers then your business can afford a (888) or (800) number.  Don’t give the customers too many options.

Drive them to your website, that’s your selling point.  One number and done, and please I shouldn’t see a fucking fax number on there.  Now you need to close from that one number and make a sale dumb ass.

Answer your Fucking Business Phone with Pride

I should not hear a “Ah, Hello.”  I should here, “Thank you for calling Elite Home Image, what Can I Do for You?”  Yes, “What Can I Do For You.” At the end of the day take your business serious. When someone calls you, they are calling because you’re the expert.  You’re not a popular name yet, you will be soon though.  Don’t look small, look big, make your shit look like a fucking franchise and guess what you’re not.  What if one day someone offers to buy your business?  They’re going to want a business that sounds HUGE, not like Oscar’s Cleaning. Who in the fuck is Oscar?  Doesn’t matter, what type of cleaning?  When I look at a business I should not know the owners name or what the persons family looks like.  It’s just doesn’t matter.  You show up as the professional or the technician, because that is who you are.

I Never went to CEO School, because it Doesn’t EXIST Idiot

You’re not the CEO or the President.  How does that look to your customers when they have the so called CEO on the job?  “Hey I got the CEO working on my backed up toilet.”  Stop giving yourself these stupid ass titles.  Your title is what you do in your business.  I am a Mechanic, Gardener, Car Detailer, Lawyer… That’s what you trained for or went to school for.  I’ve had numerous business and never once did I go to a CEO school.  Oh by the way Master is not one either.  Stop being an idiot and figure out your name because that will either haunt your customers or make your business successful. (Read my Previous Blog: Don’t Start at the Top)

Here comes, all the shit talkers, “But what about EsquireLife?”  They’re so many reasons why I chose to call my site Esquire life.  But I’ll only give you one and that’s the Webster’s Dictionary version.

Esquire (noun)ˈesˌkwīər,əˈskwī(ə)r/

A title appended to a lawyer’s surname.
Historical, A young nobleman who, in training for knighthood, acted as an attendant to a knight.

Life (noun) līf/

The condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.
The existence of an individual human being or animal.
Since I’m am constantly learning and growing in wisdom, I wanted to represent that Nobleman who wants to be a Killer Knight, one that abolishes everyone and constantly wants to grow and learn how to become something better in his Existence of Life.  He wants to continue to educate show others success, so his legend will proceed him after he dies.  Do you get it now, so stop talking shit and come up with you own Business Name.
Here’s a great definition you should follow, this is not for the weak hearted or little bitches out there.

Entrepreneurship (noun) en·tre·pre·neur·ship

1.  “Is to endure pain for a long time.”  – Dan“50 Billion Dollar Man” Peña